☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻
01.04.21
soon is my friends birthday. ill give her the code name Purple, since this was our favorite color in kindergarten.
i want my gift to be the best of all i want my gift to be a reason of joy i want my gift to make her smile i want her to like me i want to be a good friend i want to be the best friend but i can't let go of the feeling that tells me she really hates me. i just hope her birthday goes smoothly, i want her to smile after all. the feelings i feel are all over the place, i feel anxious i feel sad i feel weak. i am weak. i cant even help her smile. i am weak. i am nothing.
04.04.21
taken from notes
purples birthday. i want to scream and cry because my gift isnt there yet. i have decided to buy her the 'your name' mangas. i hope its good enough. i hope im good enough. she was sad today. her birthday didnt go as she had liked it to. i thought it was decent but that just proves how much of an idiot i am. how useless i am. how weak i am. i went out with her for some hours, i thought it was nice and it would make her at least a little bit happy, but on the way back purple told me she didnt like it. i thought us two being together, chatting, laughing and eating would at least be a little bit of a nice thing. but it again proves how fucking stupid i am. i am useless i am weak i am nothing. i cant make her happy, i cant do anything. what am i use of? why am i here? i feel out of place, i dont fit, i feel anxious and sad. i want to live for her and my mom but my will to live slowly wilts. i wish i could end it without making anyone sad, i dont want to be here anymore. im sorry for being such a fuck up, im so so sorry for being such a fucking loser. i cant do anything right, i am worthless and weak.
06.04.21
i want to cry. we are in a fight. why do i have to be such a fucking idiot. it is all my fault, i am the most useless friend there is on this earth. you cant even call me a friend anymore. she hates me. i feel so stupid. why am i like this. i want to perish. my feelings are unbearable. i feel so sad and weak. i am worthless. i want to commit suicide but i cant. i dont want to make anyone grieve such a piece of shit like me. please stop this. i want it to stop. i want to be normal. i want to be happy i want to be pretty i want to be smart i want people to like me. i hate myself. i hate this body, i want to stop existing. i deserve to stop existing. i am a burden. nobody truly wants me around. why am i here. please let me die.
07.04.21
i want to cut myself again. i have been clean for such a long time, since 15.08.19. i want to feel the pain, i want to see the blood, i want to suffer. i need to suffer. i deserve to suffer. i dont feel happy anymore. i feel empty and sad and weak and worthless. i want it to end. why cant everyone just forget me. i want everyone to hate me and leave my life so i can kill myself without the guilt of making people sad changing my mind. purple left me. now my mom and another friend needs to leave me. i want it to stop, i want everything to stop. please. i want to shoot and kill everyone so they dont have to be at my funeral. there is no heaven for me. i am a fuck up that deserves eternal hell. i want everyone to leave me but i also want to be loved, i want to be hugged by someone, anyone, please. i lost my childhood friend i can lose anyone if i want to. i will lay my head on the tracks and let a train run over. thats my plan. im not sure if i will do it yet. i think i will, i dont know. i want everything to leave me alone. i want everyone and everything to let me die in peace. but i want to be loved so bad. why cant i have both somehow? i just want to be happy.
09.07.21
i was in the mental hospital. It was horrible. It didn't help at all, made it worse even. The people were creepy. The female workers shamed you for everything, your body, your hair, your fingernails, your trauma. The male ones..stared. Commented your looks creeply. Were way too touchy.. i feel dirty. I feel diry. I feel dirty. I feel dirty. I feel dirty. I feel so so dirty. It's eternal dirt i can't ever wash off. I just feel so disgusting after those months. I'm losing the interest in things i used to love, like gaming and drawing. I think i'm going to dissapear for a while. I can't stay home, it doesn't feel like home anymore. Don't know if i'm going through with this yet. Don't know when i will update this too.